Close and Personal with Ms. Yuanita

Up & Close with Yuanita.

Some of you might be wandering “Who is Yuanita?” It was late in the evening, actually almost midnight, when she was sitting in front of her computer doing her daily activities that might interest her (instead of playing GTA IV or SIMS 2) such as writing her personal blog. How it feels to be one of billions world’s citizen? Well, you can ask her directly…

Writer                  : Hi, Yuanita. How are you doing?

Yuanita                  : Hi there! I’m doing fine. How about you?

Writer                  : Good! Thank you. So…let’s make it straight. Could you tell me about yourself?
 

Yuanita                  : I’m Yuanita. My childhood friends used to call me Mia, but present time they like to call me Yuan. I’m from Indonesia, but my parents and little brother live abroad in Finland since 2005 and I live here by my own with a House assistant. I am 20-something woman (I can’t tell you the detail :b ) who was graduated from English Department of State University of Jakarta (Universitas Negeri Jakarta) in 2011. My hobbies are reading, listening to Japanese & Rock music, writing trivial things, while for sports I prefer jogging and swimming as my favorite exercises. I do love fashion and make-up. In my daily time, I like to dress up chic, gamine or totally feminine, it depends on my mood. I’m a dog lover; once I had a Golden Retriever even though at that time many people against my decision to raise a dog since dogs are not allowed to be raised by a Muslim people like me, unfortunately he passed away after 10 years we spent together. I do love chicken and other animals too; but snakes are not-on-my-lists. My favorite colors are pastel. I’m not a morning person, I like to stay up late so I can clearly think because the ambiance is tranquil than my typical day. I prefer noodle to rice. I love any kind of flowers. I hate hypocrite people, narrow-minded people, and liars. I got fractured left-ankle when I was 14 year-old and got my first my operation on 2012 when I decided to do LASIK (to omit your myopia through laser-procedure operation .red) People used to call me ‘lazy’; actually I’m not that lazy but often I think of “you have to enjoy your life, why don’t take it less serious? You only live once. Enjoy every moment.” Well, I’m quite that easy going person. Like any other girls, I used to have boyfriends too; and it’s still countable (laughs)

Writer                    : Nice one. Furthermore…You (and me also) as one of billions world’s citizen, how to distinguish yourself with others?

Yuanita                   : Good question! I’m also thinking about that at the moment. It started out when I was interviewed for job’s application several times, but in the end, I didn’t get the job I’m applied for. Nearly devastating, it was a slap on your face; I realized ‘I don’t know myself!’ I am like a lost child in a metropolitan city; I don’t know where to go. I should say I come from middle-up society where money actually not a big issue, but that’s not my main issue. I don’t know what I want to do in my life. Once, an interviewer asked me to describe myself. I almost tongue-tied, but finally I could arranged ‘a-little white lies’ even though I feel unsatisfied at the end. She asked me whether my reason to choose English Literature and Language as my degree or what I want to do in the next 5 years, 10 years. I feel mixed-up since my step-father actually had asked the same questions every time I meet him. Even my former boss did! Can you believe that? He asked me what are my goals and dreams; in the end I always think “What’s going on with these people?” I contemplate every time I go to sleep, when I pray, even when I looking myself in front of the mirror. Still, I haven’t got the answer…

Writer                  : So, you still don’t understand yourself until this moment?

Yuanita                 : Yes, I am. I’ve been thinking about that lately, when I think of “What is my goals and dreams? What will I do in the next 5 years, 10 years?” I only get ‘Blank’ moment.

Writer                  : How about your dreams, I mean, dreams since you were a teenager?

Yuanita                   : Hahaha, you asked the same question like the job’s interviewer did. Actually, I want to be an Editor-in-Chief like Anna Wintour do. I know it’s quite impossible, since I don’t know where to start my path. Often I imagine myself as Travel or Lifestyle reporter / editor who enjoy her job as she enjoys her life. Fashion and beauty reporter / editor would be great also. Have I mentioned that I often enrolled to illustration or writing competition since I was in Secondary level? I won almost every competition. Even I was the part of team for Year Book in Junior High, member of Mading team, and Illustrator and part time reporter for English Department’s Bulletin ‘Sunshine’. I do love drawing also! Many people I’ve met said that I have talent in illustration. I have my own portfolio consists of my drawing collection since I was elementary school, but mostly it’s anime / manga since that’s my favorite things. I prefer drawing cartoon character rather than living things because I like to explore and exploit my imagination. Unfortunately, I found it embarrassing to introduce and show it to other people. Writing perhaps my passion and hobby, but I couldn’t find it financially stable comparing to work in a big-scale company.

Writer                  : How about finding professional institute or person to make you know about yourself?

Yuanita                  : I tried. Once when I was applied to enroll University, I got tested by a psychology institution. The result was quite satisfying: my IQ score was 121 (according to Binet’s scale 120 – 139 is Bright or Smart), my interest pointed to artistic. However, nobody’s perfect; my personality is a little bit mixed-up, my adaptation ability is nearly enough (what???), motivation for achievement and social maturity is enough. Even my Understanding Organization aspect is less than enough *faint*. I think I’m not that ‘stupid’ person but why I’m becoming this kind of person; failed person?

Writer                  : Hahaha, everybody’s unique. Why don’t you enroll to Artistic Department in University like the institution said?

Yuanita                 : Have I told you it’s less promising for the future?

Writer                  : Yes, but you said it implicitly.

Yuanita                 : I don’t want to be rude.

Writer                  : Let’s say, you are following what the current situation and life told you comparing what drives and motivates your life; in this case your passion?

Yuanita                 : Perhaps.

Writer                  : How do you feel, then?

Yuanita                  : Makes me confused, totally. I cry every time I realize how pathetic I am for the past 6 months. How can’t I get what I want? How can I don’t know what to do? I don’t know who I am.
 

Writer                   : What did you do then to diminish you negative feelings?

Yuanita                  : I turn to Larry, my Golden Retriever Larry von Aries; he is like a healing dog. He was my first dog and I had him since 2002. But when he passed away in 2011, I felt lost and often betrayed myself by thinking that Larry just hiding somewhere around the house. He successfully cheers me up when I’m feeling down. By hugging Larry, I felt that all my troubles gone (even though he didn’t do anything). Looking back to the first time, I got Larry as my 14^th Birthday present but it turns out that my parents bought me a pet so I won’t feel lonely when they’re not around. We didn't get the chance to meet champion's breeders for 2 times when finally my step-father decided to take me to a dog’s show. First time I saw Larry, I didn’t realized him until he was cheerfully hopping towards me. People said “The dog chose his master, not vice versa” and I found it true. Sadly, we realized Larry was not healthy enough (at his 1^st year we realized that his eyes a little bit chalky similar to cataracts), my step-father insisted to shoot him dead. I cried and encountered him. I said Larry is like me, he is not perfect but he is also a living creature. My father gave up and handed over the risks of raising less-fortunate puppy to me. That’s how our journey begins. Dog always be man’s best friend :) Aaah, nice to reminisce that wonderful time. 

Writer                 : How do you encounter your lowest point when Larry is not around anymore?
 

Yuanita                : Honestly, often I’m thinking of suicide... Now I know how it feels to be marginalized person; a lonely person. I think I’m depressed at that moment. I always prepare a knife beside my bed and be ready when I want to end it off. But, again, when I look a little bit lower, to lower side of my bed, I see Larry. I remember Larry faithfully waits me to wake up. Often he waits me by sleeping beside the bed and unintentionally snoring so loud then I wake up because of his snores *LOL* For a dog, I am his world and he loves to be around me. My happy moment with Larry had gone. Then, I saw an article regarding ‘personal suicide attempts’ that happen a lot in Japanese and even in South Korea. Pressure nowadays comes from external factors such as; financial trouble, working pressure, environment, stress, lonely feeling or etc. I think that affect me the most. Dynamic life style recently makes people become more ambitious and forget that they should enjoy every moment of their life. It resulted on the output where people forgot to look for the meaning of their life. Pressures of the modern world brings human to loneliness, loss and reduced of happiness (citation: Shocking Japan by Junanto)

Writer                  : I guess we are getting serious. However, you don’t do that kind of personal injury again, right?

Yuanita                 : Hahaha, sometime…but less harmful.

Writer                  : Means?

Yuanita                 : When I got depressed, I often hit my head to the wall. But it ends out that I got dizzy. Hahaha. Nowadays, I choose to start crying my heart out. It’s better than throwing tantrum to people who don’t understand what’s going on with you. When you see me with bloated and darken eyes it means I was crying the night before I go to sleep. Personal issue such as love life caused half of my problem also *sigh*

Writer                  : Haha, OK. We should discuss that later. So, why don’t you raise another puppy then?

Yuanita                 : I’d love to. I’m just afraid I will replace Larry in my heart. But well-known Vet says; if your former dog passed away then raised another one. I was afraid once, but I realized they didn’t replace the old one. They just helped you to pass through your daily life. Since dog’s shortage caused them to have less life-spanning comparing to a human’s life (James Herriot). Still, my grandmother is against my idea.

Writer                  : Why?

Yuanita                 : She said it would be difficult if I'll get married, in case my husband doesn’t like dogs. Thus she was emphasizing the deficiency of raising a dog especially when you got pregnant, she said dog’s fur is not good for pregnant woman. She suggested me to think wisely about my married life.

Writer                  : What would you do then?

Yuanita                 : Finding a husband who loves dog also! That’s simple. *laughs* However, my house assistant gives another opinion; she said I was much in better condition when I have a pet. She suggests me to raise another one when I get a new job.

Writer                  : Good idea. She cares about you a lot. Anyhow, it’s nice to talk with you. I realized that nobody’s perfect. Everybody has their own issues but it depends on how they try to conceal their problems. I hope you will get better felling after throwing up some parts of your thoughts. It’s better to speak up your problem rather than keep it by yourself. We should continue our discussion later with another topic. I see it’s almost breaking dawn (3.44 am) and you haven’t slept yet!? *gasp* Next time, you should take care more of your body.

Yuanita                   : Thank you! I will. :)

By the time the writer finished her conversation, she looked at mirror and thought that it’s a good beginning for Yuanita as she bravely begins to speak her mind so no other girl would experience the same like her. Who will take care of yourself except you? Some where down the road there will be persons who love you for who you are...

#This is a monologue convo’ between me and my alter-side. If there’s somebody thinks that this convo’ portrays their situation, I feel sorry for that since I don't intend to look for attentions. This is an attempt to struggle from the darkest side of the writer, which is myself.

Yuanita

March 2013